You’ve Been Duped
- BeautifullyBrokenSoul

- Nov 7, 2020
- 11 min read
Updated: Jan 23, 2021
Before I start, I would like to say that I'm not a licensed therapist nor a coach. I’m still learning about narcissistic abuse, which I will be discussing in this article. I'm speaking based on experience and from what I have learned from listening to podcasts and doing my research. Just a reminder, there is no shame in consulting a therapist and that your mental health is an important part of your well being. Please be kind and compassionate to yourself as you are with others.
In this article, I will be focusing on narcissistic abuse. I will start by sharing a little about my healing journey. It has been an excruciating battle of the mind and emotions the past couple of seven or eight months. As I have mentioned in my previous article, I fell into depression due to the job exploitation I experienced at the salon I was training last year in Ho Chi Minh under a Ukrainian hairdresser. Some friends warned me about it, but since I was desperate for a job and wanted to be away from my abuser – I trusted his words (which was a mistake on my end). That will be another topic I will tackle next time.
A week after my exhibit last February. I thought to myself – finally, brighter days are up ahead! And just like that, I was back in the hole again. I was still battling trauma from an accident and my previous relationship in which I was experiencing PTSD symptoms even while preparing for the event.
Recovering from consecutive traumatic events does take a toll on you, emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Rewiring your brain after being brainwashed is a tricky task. Especially when you have been accustomed to viewing yourself like how you were groomed by your abuser. I had to (repeatedly) remind myself that the abuse was not my fault. There are days that I do blame myself for not being able to recognize the abuse. I feel so stupid, weak – that I hated myself for everything. It is the first time I am experiencing flashbacks and triggers accompanied by panic/anxiety attacks.
It has been almost three years since I went no contact. I decided to unfollow everyone that reminded me of my abuser. I have been contemplating for a while now, and when I finally did – it made me feel sad, but then I had to think about what was going to be good for me. It was not easy at all. I did not want them thinking that I was mad at them. It had to be done – for me to be able to heal completely.
Some days I can handle the panic attacks or anxiety when my flashbacks come. There are days that I am always on the lookout. Afraid of running into him. There were a couple of times that I almost ran back to the apartment from the store because I thought I saw him while I was buying groceries. Only to find out it was a different guy that somehow looked like him. Being hypervigilant at all times is quite exhausting.
I cannot tell when the flashbacks come since I am not in control of it. I end up being frustrated at myself most of the time because I am not able to do the things I want. There are times I end up being unproductive. I also noticed that everything got worse when I came back here to my hometown – after being away for almost a year before my accident last year.
Every night, I'm bombarded with nightmares. There have been times that I almost had a panic attack after waking up in the middle of the night. I had to calm down and remind myself that it was only a dream. My nightmares are weird sometimes. When I ponder on it the next morning, the stories are all related to what I've experienced. I keep my phone next to me, so I could browse through cute photos of puppies when I wake up in the middle of the night. Which gives me comfort and helps me go back to sleep.
Diving deeper into the abuse that I experienced. One of the things I realized later on after going no contact was when he manipulated me into doing something I did not want. He made me feel guilty and kept insisting that I never really loved him. Told me that I loved my ex more than I will ever love him. He tricked me into having a threesome with another woman – so I can prove my love for him. I don’t quite remember how we ended up arguing about it and he even compared our relationship to my previous one. I made it clear to him I did not want to do it. I did not feel comfortable. That we did not need to do it to prove my love for him – I said these things in the most loving way possible. In the end, I started feeling sad about being honest with him. I did not want any drama or any complications in the relationship – which I also told him, but he just continued to make me feel guilty until one day I gave in. I could not wrap my head around the fact that he thinks that I did not love him. I did everything I could to prove to him that I loved him and that I care about him dearly.
Looking back, I am utterly disgusted by how he tricked me into getting what he wants. Remembering and writing about it now makes me sick to my stomach. I cringe at every memory that comes to my mind. Everything was a lie. I am out of words when I think about that awful nightmare I lived for years.
I did not see the abuse. He was very good with words. He knew my weakness and used it for his advantage over and over again. When we get into arguments, I honestly never understood how he twists something positive in a very negative way. Only he can do that. There will be times that I would just completely shut down because there is absolutely no point in explaining things with him. It’s pointless, like talking to a wall. You will end up feeling worse for opening up and being vulnerable.
During our first year, everything was great – he even asked me to move in with him. Only for him to use that as leverage later on in the relationship. How? He would always throw it back to my face. Like, how he helped me when I needed it as if I don’t reciprocate. From what I know about being in a relationship, it’s 50/50 or sometimes 70/30 or vice versa. That is not the case with him. I felt like everything I did was not enough. Just like that, he found a way to convince me that I have to do more and give more. He always made me feel like I owed him a lot. It did not feel like a partnership at all, which I also just realized when I went to therapy.
It was when I started learning about narcissistic abuse that I understood what happened. It opened my eyes. I was in shock about the things I learned. I could not believe that people like this even existed, but sadly they do. I still have a hard time grasping the reason behind it since I tried my best to understand him. Every time I did, I hit a dead end.
Moving forward, one of the things I learned about narcissistic abuse is trauma bonding – which is a cycle of physical or emotional abuse that creates a strong attachment between an abused person and their abuser. The intense ups and downs in a relationship cause your brain to become addicted to the high and lows. Here are a few examples that you are trauma-bonded: constant breaking up and getting back together, feeling like you have been through so much bad together. That you should not just throw the relationship away – promising that things will change and they never actually do and lastly, feeling completely in love and then hating the other person.
Which describes everything I felt during the time I was with him. The first time that I asked for some space to think, he did not respect my decision. He continued to send me messages. Then one afternoon, I ran into him while I was out for lunch. I repeatedly told him that I needed more time. He pointed out that I should not blame him if he ends up doing something stupid. That it would be my fault if the relationship ends. I asked him what he meant, but he just walked away. Which then made me feel bad for taking time off to think if I should stay in the relationship.
I don’t remember what I said to him after he walked away, but I do recall sending him a message when I got back to the studio of my friend (where I crashed for a couple of days contemplating what to do). The moment he realized he was actually about to lose me, he made a grand gesture by sending me flowers and a mixtape.
Sadly, I fell for it. I ended calling him back to schedule a talk. Yes, we got back together after the conversation we had.
He promised that things will change and that he will be a better man. Guess what? That only lasted for a week. And every time he promised about changing, the longest streak would be three weeks. After that, he would go back to how he was. Accusing me of things I never did (which later on, I would find out that he was the one acting on the things he was accusing me of). Calling my workplace only to ask me what I was doing working late and who I was fck***. I did my best to reassure him because that is what he asked me to do.
I noticed that he always blamed his previous partners for why he is the way he is. It was towards the end of the relationship that I realized how much it took a toll on me. Eventually, I lost that job because I could not focus since I always had to prioritize him.
After that, I had another job that I also lost because we kept getting into fights. I even asked my boss if I could spend a night at her place since she had a spare bedroom. Luckily, she went out of the country and asked me to watch over her house. This time I avoided him and even borrowed clothes from friends since I did not want to go home. If I went home, there would be a huge possibility that I would see him. I tried my best to avoid him and once again think things through.
If I remember correctly, it was a week before I had to fly to Manila to meet with my mom – which turned out to be another nightmare. As usual, he was overly jealous that I was flying home; because then I would have to see my friends and he was not happy about it. I explained that I had to meet with my mom and not my friends. We argued non-stop. Even though he knew that I was already in so much stress – and if he is in my position, he would tell me not right now. I would let him be since I am aware that sometimes you need space to deal with things on your own. In my case, that was not possible. If I said that same thing to him, he would be furious. I had a breakdown that week and felt helpless. I could not speak to anyone about what was happening, so I kept it to myself. It was when I started going no contact and started with therapy that I realized how much the relationship was always about him. Of course, he would do certain things for me but only to keep me in a loop.
For example, when he asks me for favors. Like when he accidentally leaves things at home, but he is at work already. He would message me and ask me to bring whatever it is that he forgot. I mean, it is okay with me because I know these things happen. And I love being there for him whenever he needs me. Just that when it happens to me, he gets pissed and then tells me how careless I was and so on. There was probably around three to five times that he did the same without getting angry about it.
For example, when he asks me for favors. Like when he accidentally leaves things at home, but he is at work already. He would message me and ask me to bring whatever it is that he forgot. I mean, it is okay with me because I know these things happen. And I love being there for him whenever he needs me. Just that when it happens to me, he gets pissed and then tells me how careless I was and so on. There was probably around three to five times that he did the same without getting angry about it.
One day, my computer also had a problem. We talked about getting it fixed since we both needed it. And because it was mine, I told him that if he plans on getting it fixed on his trip to Thailand, I will reimburse him for the cost. Then we can both share it. He then told me that I did not need to pay for it and that it was his gift for my birthday. I thought about it for a while. Something told me that I should not make that deal with him. For some odd reason, I had a feeling that it would backfire on me. True enough, it did.
After agreeing with him, I thought to myself, wow this is one of the nicest things he has done for me. I immediately started to regret saying yes. I recalled the times that every time he did something nice for me, he would throw it back to my face. Which he did, all the time. Then I would end up feeling guilty and sad.
Even after our relationship ended, I still tried to help him in any way I can. And every time I did, he just took advantage of me. I thought things would be different if I stayed friends with him, but no. That laptop story was one of the craziest fights I had with him. It took me three months before I was able to retrieve my computer. He did not want to return it. He tried his best to guilt trip me as usual. Saying things like, so you don’t care if I lose my job. Of course, I did. Why would I want that to happen? At the same time, what about me?
During the time of our break-up, I needed my computer back for work. He gave me a hard time every time I asked for it. I even begged him if I could borrow my (own) computer for a night and promised to return it to him as soon as I finish work. Nope. No reply. Once again, I lost that job.
Eventually, after a month of arguing about it and with the help of some friends, I finally got it back. The day that he was about to return it, he said some things to make me feel bad again. He even returned some gifts I gave him to piss me off. I told him that I gave it to him as a gift and that I gave it out of love. I wanted him to have it. Honestly, I was not even surprised when he did this. It was not the first time.
Another disrespectful thing he did to me that made me feel and look crazy was when he was making me jealous on purpose with another girl. He just kept denying everything and told me that I was making things up. It happened before the laptop incident. We already broke up when I had that dilemma with him.
There are many more experiences I want to share, but I just highlighted a few. If I wrote about everything, I would probably end up writing a book LOL. And so I will end right here.
No one truly understands what I experienced. I know that writing about this may cause some people to get mad at me. Nonetheless, my intention is not to piss anyone off – but to educate others about narcissistic abuse. I am sure there are a lot of kind souls out there who may not realize that they are in an abusive relationship. I was one of them. I did not know the abuse until I went to therapy, and I started educating myself about it.
Narcissist psychopaths are manipulative, insidious predators. You will start to doubt your reality and will lose yourself. You can even end up with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress), anxiety, and depression. Narcs are so good at fooling other people since they seem charming and perfect on the outside. It is all a facade, and beware of their flying monkeys as well. Save yourself. Run. Cut all communications.
It takes so much time and effort to regain yourself back, but I promise you it is worth the effort. Just a heads up, please do not take advice nor listen to people who have not experienced what you went through.
Your emotions are valid. You are not crazy. YOU HAVE BEEN DUPED. You will end up emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted, and in debt.
Everything was a lie. A hard pill to swallow, but the moment you've accepted this truth you are on your way to recovery.
Lastly, I've also learned that Narcissistic abuse is also present in friendships, work place, and families. Education and setting healthy boundaries are key to establishing meaningful positive relationships.


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