Stay Bold & Be Brave — A Warrior’s Journey To Healing

It has been a long while since I last shared my journey to healing. I had to take a break due to personal health reasons. Moreover, I was not aware that I was re-traumatizing myself in the process of sharing my story. After the narc tried to contact me on the platform about mental health advocacy — where I speak about narcissistic abuse, job exploitation, sexual abuse, and assault — it caused me to feel unsafe, and quite frankly, everything went spiraling down after that. Instead of progressing, it took me down a very dark path.

I have never felt nor experienced anything like it. I was afraid of my own life, to the point that — seeing a look-a-like of him terrified me. It felt like I was re-experiencing the whole thing again. Like I was back in that nightmare. I decided to deactivate my social media due to those FB memories; they were not helping me. I would delete anything that would remind me of that guy and the abuse. I also stopped speaking to anyone connected to him; it had nothing to do with them. I wanted nothing that reminded me of that guy. Nobody knew much about what went on. He seemed good on the outside, but behind closed doors, you see a different version of him. I have always wondered; if it was me or if I had done anything to make him act that way — he was so different earlier, sweet and loving. What happened to that?

Looking back, I noticed a lot of patterns — how he manipulated me and others too — how he was hot and cold, loving one second and hateful the next. He was never satisfied with what you do for him, and your schedule should revolve around him — if not, then you are not supportive of him. He will punish you, hate you, and resent you for it. Also, he will tell others a different story. He will twist it and say that you are the one who has a problem. That everything he does was never enough — always playing the victim.

I never understood this kind of thing. I have always tried my best to understand, but at that time — I could not wrap my head around what was happening.

There was a lot of love-bombing; to get his way and leave you out in the cold afterward. He is very loving and good to you when someone is watching — all the while, it is just a show. Then you crave more of it, but he will not do it until a week or two. I noticed a timeline in how he does things. You know what they say, like Jekyll and Hyde — where you wonder where you went wrong.

You often hear that this is your fault and that you made me do this. Or use something you have shared about your past. I mentioned it in my previous article wherein there was coercive control using sex. Again, this guy made it seem so bad — as if he was the victim again, and if I did not do what he asked, I did not love him. To the point that he even brought up my ex; and said, you love him more than me. I was in total shock when I heard this. How on earth is my ex included in this? He is living a happy life with his baby momma and kid. Why bring him up to this conversation to get what you want?!

I was weak, and I could not bear all the words that he said. I found myself doing what he wanted. I felt disgusted afterward. I repeatedly told him I did not want to do it. Yet, he insisted. I am not quite sure how it happened since it happened so fast. I barely remember much.

I am aware; that it has been years, and everyone has been telling me that I should be okay by now — that I should move on. I have moved on, but I am dealing with the aftermath. The trauma it has caused me; recovering emotionally, financially, mentally, and somewhat physical damage. It is not easy, but I am not giving up. I am fighting for myself, for others who have experienced such things.

This kind of abuse is insidious. You will never know what hit you — until you have nothing left. I barely even recognized myself after everything. My forgiving ass stayed friends with him even after all of it. Without realizing I was heavily trauma bonded.

Even when we were not together, I still helped him out. He knew my weakness; and that I could not stand not being able to help. The manipulation just continued. During his travels, he called me asking for financial help. He was being sweet and all. Of course! Only because he needed something, but I did not see it that way back then. Due to the trauma bond, I was blind to everything. Disgusting right? I felt so ashamed and disgusted after realizing all this. It took me quite some time to forgive myself and accept that it was not my fault. I still reassure myself from time-to-time, since I still blame myself for not recognizing what was happening. It was nice to hear my Doctor remind me of the same thing.

I instantly blame myself for what went wrong. I guess it was due to always being told it was my fault and that I made him do it or treat me that way.

Back to him FaceTiming me to get what he wants. AGAIN. He needed financial help. I did what I could to help him out. I had to leave the island anyways and find another option to make a living — also recover financially after supporting us for almost three years. I went back to my parents, but I could not stay long since we had a rule that by 17, you had to be out of the house. As early as 16 or 17 — I started my job and even internship. My dad’s culture is old-school Japanese, and I understand, but my situation was different. It was not as if I did not want to work. The whole island closed down, and there was nothing I could do.

I decided to look for a volunteer job in Vietnam, but I visited him in Cambodia since he invited me to see him. Of course, to help him financially as well, since he decided to live his life staying in hostels and looking for gigs. While I stayed with him, I remember him saying, “why don’t you use your mom’s card to pay for the hotel?!” Remember, she owes you that inheritance that you gave away. At that point, I was already thinking twice — starting to see that he was poisoning my mind with these thoughts.

Little by little, I tried to find my own thing, and at this point, I was starting to see who he was. Instead, I spent a day to myself walking around and visiting some fabric shops/warehouse. I had this business plan of getting fabrics and making clothes. I also tried to look for suppliers — like I had discussed with a business partner. I tried my best to focus on that instead. As well as continue to look for volunteer jobs in Saigon — to be away from him. I needed time for myself, and I was sensing something was not right.

He was odd, hot, and cold. Making you feel like he wants you back, but not. Then I was convinced that maybe it was one of his games again. I wanted none of it. I played it cool with him but planned my exit strategy away from him. I didn’t feel safe around him. Looking back, I can say I was heavily trauma-bonded. There was no other explanation. Let’s put it this way it was like a bad case of Stockholm syndrome.

As I planned my move — freeing myself from him and anything connected to him since I was feeling unsafe. I was trying to start a life in Saigon. I honestly did not want to be back on the island, to be around him again. That was like my plan z. I realized things are going to get worse if I went back — I had to get away.

I tried volunteering, and once again. The guy called asking for financial help. So I told him, why don’t you go to Saigon and find a place where you can volunteer. Live for free while you teach and find gigs. He didn’t know where to go, and as much as I didn’t want him to be around me. My forgiving ass again reached out and offered to stay in the homestay where I was staying so he won’t have a hard time.

BAD IDEA. Things just got worse. I was doing my best to get away, and he used my weakness against me. Sometimes I hate myself for being so forgiving and not stand being able to help when someone’s in need. Although, at the same time, I don’t want to change that. Just that this time, things are going to be different.

Back to what I was saying about helping him again, I tried to look for another job to be away from him. I got an offer to train at this salon by this Ukrainian guy, which I mentioned in an article way back. In my desperation, I grabbed that opportunity with the hopes of starting over and finally getting my life back. Only to find out that I got duped. I only realized that later on, and I did not see the patterns due to the trauma bond with the narc. I had an epiphany about it just last year, and things started to make sense. I noticed a lot of similarities between the narc and the Ukrainian guy.

Once again, I felt disgusted and ashamed. Mom warned me and another soul-sister. What did I do? I defended him like the narc back in the day. No, it’s not like that. He promised to do this and that.

Eventually, towards the end, things started to be shady — when I asked him to send me a whole plan of what I will learn. Class schedules, documents, and all. Nothing. He made excuses. The fact that I moved behind his house shows that I was serious about the job. I only asked to give me time to adjust to the schedule since I took on a part-time night job at a restaurant and a bar. I will share more about this in my next article.

In conclusion, it took all of me to escape that nightmare.

It was only God who helped me a lot and sent me angels to help me out. For that, I am forever grateful.

I am still unlearning things that the narc inflicted on me and currently working on managing my PTSD better. Yes, it is true. There are a lot of survivors out there that can share their stories about experiencing PTSD after narcissistic abuse. Keep in mind that not everyone is the same. What can be traumatic for me may not be traumatic for you — as it may also depend on the impact of the abuse. Be mindful, keep an open mind and be kind.