Battling CPTSD a.k.a Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

It’s been almost a year since my accident. Learning about narcissistic abuse and exploitation really helped me understand more about my healing journey. Almost the same time last year when I fell into depression. The deal with my boss at the salon (which apparently was exploitation), and at the same time my trauma from my narcissistic sociopath ex boyfriend broke me. I am still healing from everything and to be honest months after my accident, I honestly felt like things were never going to improve. My childhood traumas were triggered at the same time and I lost hope.

Looking back, I can now say that things are looking brighter. Surrounding yourself with the right people and trusting God in the process really helped me a lot.

Here are some notes from the books I’ve been reading, which helped me understand things better. I hope that it will help you too. Healing is messy and difficult. One moment you’re okay and next thing you know, you’re back in the hole. Don’t give up there is hope. Researching and understanding your traumas will help you a lot. Talk to a friend, family member, therapist or a mentor to help you get through it. Just a reminder, not everyone will understand your journey and that’s okay. It’s crucial to surround yourself with the right people.

In this digitalized era where everything is marketed and images are perfected, it’s insanely hard not to be okay. Remember, it’s okay not to be okay. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, you are a normal, good person to whom difficult, bad things happened. It wasn’t your fault, you’re not a bad person, and what you’re going through is a normal process of adaptation in order to survive terrible circumstances.” – Coach Ella

Trauma fundamentally changes the way you think about yourself and the world. Most survivors also experience significant changes in their self-esteem or self-concept. These forms of distorted thinking typically exacerbate trauma-related symptoms and can keep you from doing the things you used to enjoy, forming meaningful connections with others, and living life in which you feel safe and content. Because of the impact that trauma has on brain functioning, you may also experience racing thoughts, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, and problems forming new memories.

What’s happening is that the area of your brain that governs intentional control of attention (the prefrontal cortex) essentially shuts down during a traumatic event.

Research shows that there are three possible eventual outcomes following a traumatic event:

1. Psychological distress/disorder

2. Return to baseline

3. Post-traumatic growth – are often the individuals who have been able to deliberately reflect on what happened, as opposed to those who have passively endured the constant barrage of intrusive thoughts and memories. The areas of post-traumatic growth most commonly discussed include recognition of one’s personal strength and resilience, improved relationships, a deeper appreciation of life, an awareness of new life paths and possibilities, spiritual changes, and a new understanding of life’s meaning and purpose.

Trauma impacts your entire being – mind, brain, and body. Changes that occur throughout your nervous system and brain in the aftermath of a traumatic event can result in a wide range of physical symptoms and diseases such as chronic fatigue and autoimmune conditions like arthritis, lupus, and type 2 diabetes.

Research studies have demonstrated that when a survivor hears a script recounting that when a survivor hears a script recounting the details of their traumatic event or otherwise re-experiences it, the same physiological response is activated as if the event were actually occurring.

A trauma survivor would be more likely assume that the slightest grimace on the face of a loved one signals impending abandonment and may respond by lashing out or by quietly increasing distance from the relationship.

Structural and functional brain changes associated with trauma exposure and PTSD further explain why recalling and retelling your experience can feel unbearable. Studies have found that during re-experiencing of a traumatic event, the area of the brain known as the speech center is significantly deactivated, whereas the region of the cortex that registers and processes visual information exhibits heightened activation. This is why a reminder of your trauma can trigger a vivid mental image of what happened (i.e., a flashback), but you may still have difficulty putting the experience into words.

“Trauma survivors have symptoms instead of memories.”

1. little or no memories

2. nightmares/flashbacks

3. hyper vigilance

4. shame and worthlessness

5. generalized anxiety and panic attacks

6. chronic pain headaches

7. substance abuse or eating disorders

8. feeling unreal or out of body

9. self-destructive behavior

10. loss of sense of “who I am”

11. depression

12. irritability

13. emotional overwhelm

14. insomnia

15. loss of interest

16. decreased concentration

17. loss of a sense of the future (hopelessness)

18. poor judgment

19. apathy

20. mistrust

21. isolation

22. avoidance

23. excessive blame

24. dissociation

25. startle reflex

26. numbing

* Monitor yourself and recognize your triggers

* Eliminate negative, unsupportive, toxic things in your life. It will not help you with your healing process.

* Surround yourself with people who support you (family, friends, mentor)

* You deserve a safe place to talk about your trauma

* There’s no shame in reaching out and asking for help

* You should not feel bad about your boundaries

It’s necessary to have a safe and comfortable living situation after escaping the abuser. You may need to temporarily stay somewhere for a month or few to get on your feet again and this may entail sacrificing some comforts and preferences in the short-term as you work toward your longer-term goals.

Going on absolute no contact with the abuser is the quicker way to your healing journey. Any contact with the abuser is capable of sucking you back into the denial of the trauma bond.

After you go through a few rounds of those intruding symptoms surfacing, like the dread or panic attacks and flashbacks, you’ll be able to develop new understanding and coping skills for navigating those painful and unwanted experiences. You may want to start seeking professional help from licensed therapists, coaches, teachers, healers etc.

It’s important to hangout with people who are patient and compassionate with you during this process. If people are telling you to “just get over it” or “just let it go” when you’re in the early stages of recovery, it’s going to feel really invalidating and could cause you to beat yourself up or self-doubt more than you already are. If people are blaming and shaming you for where you’re at, don’t hangout with them.

You need to redefine your identity because your previous self was based on the role the abuser created for you and you likely gave up a lot of yourself in the process.

It’s true that you may feel like you’re not yourself. At least that’s how I felt after I found out that I developed a trauma from my previous relationship. I could not pinpoint what was wrong, but I definitely did not feel like “me”. Since I could not tell what was up, I felt like there was something wrong with me. Which in fact was not true and it was only explained to me by my therapist. Learning about your abuse is crucial to your healing journey. I kid you not; if you’re not aware of your abuse you will always wonder or assume that the problem is you. That’s where you’re wrong. You are not the problem. Abusers usually know what they’re doing to you.

My healing journey has been truly eye opening. Not only you’ll learn about yourself, but you will also understand people’s behavior. Please be gentle and kind to yourself as you go through this. You will need a lot of patience, wisdom and guidance. As for me, I have Jesus and he’s the only reason why I am still here. He gave me peace of mind and strength to push through this journey. I’m happy because it only lead me closer to him. So have faith and believe that even though it seems like you’ll never find the light at the end of the tunnel, trust the process. God has a purpose for everything even though we may not understand it at times.

Here are some verses that I held onto during difficult times:

“Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world.” Psalms 46:10 NLT

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 NLT

“For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

“This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 NLT

God loves you. He’s waiting for you to come to him and let him in your life. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will be there for you no matter what. Don’t lose hope and just hold on to him.

Sending love and light to you all.

Xx

———————————————————————————————– Reference(s):

Trauma Survivor’s Strategies for Healing by: Elena Welsh PhD The Journey: A Roadmap for Self-healing After Narcissistic Abuse by: Meredith Miller